Happy
by amaryllisofthevalley
Summary: Sometimes, the living hurt more than the dead


"Hey Ero – Sennin, I bet you're still continuing your research there and I hope Kami doesn't kick you out of heaven as hard as Tsunade baa-chan did" The blonde laughed as he shook his head slightly.

"I took Boruto to Ichiraku's earlier, but he looked really upset, so I offered him a popsicle. Imagine my surprise when it worked on him too!" His eyes lit up momentarily, thinking of his son and how he looked just like him when he smiled.

"I guess these little blocks of ice have some sort of happy jutsu in them, huh? Did you put it in there, sensei?" Naruto asked, looking down to the ground where a small droplet fell from the half popsicle in his hand.

"You know, I'm gonna become hokage soon." A bitter smile grazed his lips.But you won't be there.

One drop after another, it fell.

Pit. Pat. Pit. Pat.

Until it wasn't just melted ice anymore. Soon enough, his tears joined the parade and descended to the ground. The popsicle stick, now broken and mangled in his shaking fists. He grit his teeth as hard as he could to stop the sobs.

"You stupid old geezer. You couldn't even wait to meet my son and my daughter. You could have at least made it to my wedding. It would have been just a few years more and you could have seen me become hokage. Heck, you could have had the privilege to yell "Yeah! That's my dattebayo-speaking machine godson right there!" You could have seen Orochimaru turn into the shinobi you always wanted him to be or had more praying time to ask kami to make baa-chan fall in love with you! You could have…"

He couldn't hold it in anymore. Years have passed since the only living father he ever had the privilege to spend time with erased himself from this world. This world that he dreamed of finding peace in. This world that he fought to his death to protect.

This world where Naruto is alive. This world where he was constantly left behind and always by the people he loves.

Sometimes, he blames himself. If only he was stronger, if only he wasn't an idiot who did nothing but fail. If only he trained harder, loved harder, begged harder for them to stay. Maybe they – ero sennin would still be here. Alive and whole and…happy.

There are rare times where he blames Kurama. For being too caught up in hate, for always living up to his name. Demon. Demon. Demon. For not giving him his power earlier. For not believing that the child who risked his life too many times for people he barely knew was not capable of turning him into a puppet made to kill and destroy.

But he knew better than that. He knew that deep inside, the kyuubi, no matter how evil people perceived it to be, knows regret better than anyone else.

On even rarer times, he blames the Godaime for letting him go again, even when she knew he was never coming back this time. He could have stayed if she asked him hard enough, after all, she was the only one he loved. Some part of Naruto thinks it was because of her lack of refusal that he decided to go. Maybe it was because he thought she still didn't love him enough to ask him to stay.

On his darkest days, he blames all the people he has forgiven. Obito. Nagato. Konan. And the list goes on. if only humans weren't too tied up in their hate, if only they realized world domination cannot bring back the love they lost, then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have lost his parents, his innocence, his happiness, his friends, his childhood, and the life he could have lived. Happy.

Yet sometimes, he thinks, maybe he should have done that. Unleash his pain on all the people and the world just for them to know just how much they damaged you. But then, he remembers all the hands that reached out to him, all the smiles and cheers everyone has given him.

Maybe he was wrong when he said no one knew regret better than Kurama did. Because behind those cheers and smiles and gratitude, there is a small flicker of remorse.

Thank you for saving us. We didn't deserve it.

Thank you for risking your life for us. When we ruined yours.

Thank you for not letting us lose another person close to us. When we took away everyone from you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're sorry.

Happiness. Love. Blood. Death. Grief.

This is the cycle of his life. it keeps going on and on and reminds him of the reason why he wanted to become hokage in the first place. The one that he never shouted in declaration. The one that he truly meant.

I don't want another child to go through my pain. No kid should experience my grief. Not when I am still alive. Not when I am still here.

He smiles, and looks at the stone monument in front of him. He was always meant to live his life with maybe's and what if's but he will not let it define him because he still has a family to go home to, a village to protect, and a promise to uphold and that is more than enough reason for him to go on, no matter the memories he couldn't forget, no matter the mental scars and the pieces of him that he paid for the price of tomorrow. After all, the future ought to be bright.

"Hey Ero – sennin, now I am honestly convinced that you put a happy jutsu in the popsicle!'

Later that night, as he opens the door to his home and the warm light illuminated the hallway, it hits him too suddenly. He has a family to go home to. He can finally fulfill his childhood dream of saying "tadaima" and actually hearing an "okaeri" back.

He laughs. He decides that he is actually…happy.


End file.
